SEX is a big issue and it is also something we don’t really want talk about especially when it affects us. Almost everybody has great sexual life until it’s time to talk about it with their partners. Sexual issues in marriages can indeed be a problem which will affect virtually all other areas of the relationship. While marriage is not about sex but it’s partly about intimacy and sex is a component of it. Unfortunately, this is an area affected largely when an individual is having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD sometimes make this area too much or too little. When it negatively affects the sexual relations, it affects the sufferer as s/he feels guilty and helpless while the partner is dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
Happiness in marriage is not subject to sex alone but it often plays the big role of connection in the marriage. It is estimated that about 20% of marriages are sexless (one with less than once a month sex or less than 10 times a year sex). Indeed, happiness from a marriage or any sexual relationship (married or not) is based on the connection felt to the partner: the trust, the eye contact – that means more than a thousand words, the touch, the argument, the smile etc. which PTSD disrupts. As it was discussed in the previous weeks, PTSD is the trauma resulting from experiences which cause distress with flashbacks, hypervigilance, avoidance of cues and other emotional disturbances. Many times when these past traumatic events are painful sexually related experiences, they result in avoidance of such, consequently in sexless or near obligatory sexually frustrating experiences for the partners.
Take the event of Lady Q who was thirteen years old when she was sexually assaulted by the son of their religious leader; the more than 10 years older young man was caught in the act which should have made it perfectly okay for him to face the music of his action thereby a deterrent for others like him but the close knit sect tried to appease the parents with their religious mantra of forgiveness. Of course, the family forgave but after a few weeks, it was heard in low tones that lady Q was wayward and must have enticed the young man and the likes. She carried the scar with her all through adolescence and her young adulthood. In all these she decided to make her life useful and be as distant as possible to men (her resolve helped her achieve outstanding results).
Finally, she got married to a young man equally stellar in character and morals. Being religious, they agreed to celibacy before marriage, although the young man found it funny that his beauty finds it difficult to reciprocate simple acts of affection such as holding of hands, cringes at instances of occasional touches, never made mistakes of hugging even though she would send messages of affection and the likes. After marriage the young man felt the long wait is over and since she told him of her sexual history they’ve read books on sexual activities together believing he’s well-armed for it but alas, it took them about a month before the first sexual activity after marriage and it was unfulfilling. Progressively, sex became more of a task or obligation with much complaints and fighting but like the husband would often say, their marriage would have been a haven but for the painful sexual life.
Trauma as much as 20 years back can still actively affect a relationship, marriage or life and the best way of overcoming is by dealing with the root cause of the problem. Many times couples want to wish away such problems, pretend it will fade away, even pray it out but it doesn’t work that way. Problems like these are tackled by dealing with the cognitive root and the emotional anchor in our subconscious.
If you are going through a difficult sexual experience with you partner due to PSTD or other life stressors you can do the following:
- Talk about it! Rather than avoid sex related distress, talk about it and leave the discussion with a concrete plan
- Become more comfortable about expressing what you like or don’t like about your sexual acts
- Invest in the relationship: Add positivity to the relationship
- Add spices to things you do under the sheets!
- Understand while it’s a legitimate concern with the mind that the relationship worths more than just the sex
- There is help available in a therapist’s office a dial away.
As we continue to talk about gender/sexual related trauma – we should remember that some of these pains cannot be seen, they linger beyond now. Therefore, when these events occur, don’t keep it under the carpet – take such to see a licensed Clinical Psychologist (don’t be afraid to ask for their licensure). The battle after trauma continues after the bruises are healed. Schedule an appointment with therapists at DiamondMoor Psychological Consult and Services today. [email protected], 081 2827 6962, +234 2291 4084.